RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture
Tara Brach is an American psychologist and a wonderful meditation teacher. I first learned of her about a year ago during a session with my psychotherapist. At the time, I was struggling with noticing and accepting my feelings. My therapist recommended I download the Calm app and seek out Tara Brach’s Radical Self-Compassion masterclass.
I listened to the masterclass while I walked around my neighbourhood each morning before the kids woke up. One of the parts that stuck with me most, was her piece about RAIN.
RAIN is a tool that can be used to practice self-compassion. It breaks it down so that it’s a little bit easier to learn and put it into practice. I’ll break it down briefly here, but I urge you to go straight to the source to learn from the master herself.
“R - Recognize what’s going on
A - Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
I - Investigate with interest and care
N - Nurture with self-compassion”
There are so many examples I could use here, so I’ll just use the most recent one that comes to mind.
Yesterday, September 17th, was my birthday. Since becoming parent, I’ve learned to lower my expectations for birthdays, recognizing that they’re often actually rather challenging because my children get so excited about them. Rather than my birthday becoming a day about me, it tends to be a day about teaching my children about managing expectations as well as a day of helping through difficult emotions as they have to take turns giving their gifts, deal with fatigue and various other challenges.
This birthday, however, began with its own unique challenges. For starters, I awoke around midnight to the sound of my youngest son (5 1/2 years) calling for me. He was scared and asked me if I could sleep in the bottom bunk of his bunk bed. At 4:20 am, I awoke to him calling for me once again. I assumed he had a nightmare and didn’t realize I was just below him. I hopped out of my bunk and stood beside his bed to comfort him. When I reached out to touch his shoulder, I realized he was burning up. That’s when he told me he felt really weird and really sick. I scooped him up and ran to the bathroom with him, grabbing a garbage can to hold in front of him while I plopped him down on the toilet. The next few minutes were spent organizing his room (placing mattresses on the floor side by side, placing a bucket, tissues, hand sanitizer, a garbage bag) and grabbing supplies (cold washcloth, cold pack, children’s acetaminophen) while my husband sat with him and he screamed about how terrible he felt and how sore his head was. The other kids awoke, terrified.
About ten minutes later, I found myself sitting on one of the mattresses, with my sick kiddo sitting between my legs while I held a bucket under his face. He was in the throes of a fever, had been screaming that he couldn’t breathe and now he was sick to his stomach. In the past, I would have white-knuckled it - endured the storm, but wrought with anxiety. I would have struggled to eat, to drink and would have worked myself into a panic attack eventually (once I was no longer needed at his side).
However, yesterday was different. Having done the work to learn the skills and value of self-compassion, I employed RAIN. And here’s the best part: I didn’t even realize I was using it! It has become that instinctual now!
Let’s break the situation down though, so that you can understand how I used it in this case:
R - Recognize
As I sat there with my son, I recognized this familiar scenario that has triggered me in the past: a sick child that is suffering and I can’t fix the problem.
A - Allow
My son was sick. It was my birthday and I was exhausted. I was worried about him. I was scared. Rather than resisting the situation, I allowed the feelings to bubble up.
I - Investigate
While those feelings bubbled and I sat there watching the clock and holding his hot little body, I considered what it was about the situation that was causing so much difficulty for me. Rather than beating myself up for wishing this wasn’t happening on my birthday or for being uncomfortable with his unpleasant symptoms, I investigated with curiosity. What I found was that I felt exhausted, helpless and disappointed. Three very reasonable feelings to have in that moment!
N - Nurture
Once my little guy had been cleaned up and was resting on his mattress beside me, my husband asked if he could do anything for me. In the past, I would have waved him away or said something sarcastic, but this time was different. Although I had nurtured myself by reassuring myself that my feelings were valid and accepted, I decided to take it one step further. I asked for help! I asked my husband if he could stay with our son while I had a shower and had some food. I had a long hot shower, put on some comfy clothes and then went to the kitchen and made myself a hot coffee and reheated some pancakes. It felt so good to nurture myself and calm my nervous system with hot food and beverage and a hot shower. And what a difference it all made!
I hope you’ll give Tara’s RAIN meditation a listen and see how it can make a difference in your life!